There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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