she woke up with a sticky ear
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
