The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
