i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
