Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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