Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
