YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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