i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
