So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
