she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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