i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
