it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
