omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
