Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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