Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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