Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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