How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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