i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize