Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
