Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
