I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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