just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
