Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
