saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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