I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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