our cab driver is having phone sex.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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