Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
