This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I didn't shave. On purpose
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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