my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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