i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
