Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
