Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
