you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
