paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
