I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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