If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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