Clothes are such an inconvenience.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
