apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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