Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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