Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
