Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
