u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
