And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
