There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
someone owes me an orgasm
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
