I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
try to milk me bitch
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