I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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