you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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