Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I queefed so loud it echoed.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
