On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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