I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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