Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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