I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
