I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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