I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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