So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
