Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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