last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
