I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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