I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
