I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
