i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
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you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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