I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
